15 Gaslighting Signs to Look For
Being subjected to gaslighting can cause anxiety and depression. It also has been linked to panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. For this reason, it is important to recognize when you're experiencing gaslighting. Ask yourself if any of the following statements ring true.
- You doubt your feelings and reality. You try to convince yourself that the treatment you receive is not that bad, or that you are too sensitive.
- You question your judgment and perceptions. You are afraid of speaking up or expressing your emotions. You have learned that sharing your opinion usually makes you feel worse in the end. So you stay silent instead.
- You feel vulnerable and insecure. You often feel like you “walk on eggshells” around your partner/friend/family member. You also feel on edge and lack self-esteem.
- You feel alone and powerless. You are convinced that everyone around you thinks you are strange, crazy, or unstable, just like your partner/friend/family member says you are. This makes you feel trapped and isolated.
- You wonder if you're stupid and crazy. Your partner/friend/family member's words make you feel like you are wrong, inadequate, or insane. Sometimes you even find yourself repeating these statements to yourself.
- You are disappointed in yourself and who you have become. For instance, you feel like you are weak and passive and that you used to be stronger and more assertive.
- You feel confused. Your partner/friend/family member's behavior confuses you—with actions that appear like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
- You worry that you are too sensitive. Your partner/friend/family member minimizes hurtful behaviors or words by saying “I was just joking" or "You are too sensitive."
- You have a sense of impending doom. You feel like something terrible is about to happen when you are around your partner/friend/family member. This may include feeling threatened and on edge without knowing why.
- You spend a lot of time apologizing. You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or who you are.
- You feel inadequate. You feel like you are never “good enough." You try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable.
- You second-guess yourself. You frequently wonder if you accurately remember the details of past events. You may have even stopped trying to share what you remember for fear that it is wrong.
- You assume others are disappointed in you. You apologize all the time for what you do or who you are, assuming people are disappointed in you or that you have somehow made a mistake.
- You wonder what's wrong with you. You wonder if there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. In other words, you worry that you might truly be crazy, neurotic, or “losing it.”
- You struggle to make decisions, because you distrust yourself. You would rather allow your partner/friend/family member to make decisions for you, or avoid decision-making altogether.
History of the Term
The term gaslighting comes from the 1938 play by Patrick Hamiltion, known in America as "Angel Street" and later developed into the film "Gas Light" by Alfred Hitchcock.3 In the suspense film, a manipulative husband tries to make his wife think she is losing her mind by making subtle changes in her environment, including slowly and steadily dimming the flame on a gas lamp. Not only does he disrupt her environment and make her believe she is insane, but he also abuses and controls her, cutting her off from family and friends.3
Consequently, the wife is constantly second-guessing herself, her feelings, her perceptions, and her memories. Additionally, she feels neurotic, hyper-sensitive, and out-of-control, which is the goal of gaslighting—to leave the target feeling off-kilter and unsure of what is true and what isn’t.
Because this film was an accurate portrayal of the controlling and toxic actions that manipulative people use, psychologists and counselors began to label this type of emotionally abusive behavior "gaslighting."
A Word From Verywell
If you identify with any of these signs of gaslighting, it's important that you seek professional help right away. Left unaddressed, gaslighting can take a significant toll on your self-esteem and mental health. Your doctor can recommend a counselor who is equipped to help you process and deal with what is happening to you.
In the meantime, remember that you are not to blame for what you are experiencing. The person gaslighting you is making a choice to behave this way. They are responsible for their actions. Nothing you did caused them to make this choice and you won't be able to change what they're doing. But with counseling, you can learn how to make healthy choices and set boundaries with the person who engages in gaslighting.
